Domestic Violence: Where It Starts and Where It Can End

Although we are approaching the end of domestic violence awareness month, I still wanted to get some information to our communities. Domestic violence is an epidemic in our communities that must stop. You don't have to be married for it to happen to you. Please read and take it seriously because it CAN happen to you and someone you know.

“You’re fat! You’re stupid! You’re ugly! You cannot do anything right!

This is an example of how an abusive partner speaks to their victim. Ladies and gentlemen, this is where it all starts. It does not start with a punch in the face or a fist through a wall. It starts with hurtful words and controlling behavior.

It continues to frighten me how many young women think jealousy is love. Allow me to share with you that jealously is NOT love. Jealousy is checking up on you, who you are hanging out with, when will you be home, what are you wearing and on the phone with. Jealousy is NOT love. Iti s controlling behavior that eventually will lead to a bigger web of manipulation.

There are many different types of abusive people that I would like to  describe to you. There are those who are jealous and stalk their victim in wanting to know their every move. I once advocated for a woman who received 152 messages a day. Let me ask you" “do you think this is love?” If not, pay attention to that.

Really feel what is going on in your body. Is your gut telling you something? If so, don’t ignore it.

Next, there is the abuser who plays with their victim's mind; asks them to do one thing and when the victim does, they don’t like it and denies their suggestion. This really confuses the victim. But, if the victim can detect this early on by understanding that this is control and manipulation, she will save herself a huge headache later down the road.

Then, there is the abusive partner who isolates their victim. This is very dangerous
because the abuser will slowly create a prison for the both of them. I have
even worked with a woman whose partner had spread rumors about her so she would not turn to those people for help or conversation. This is very dangerous.

They want you for themselves; all of you. They don’t want their time shared with
anyone else. Be Careful!

Abusive people always tell you how you should feel. If you are sad, be sad and if you are mad, be mad. It is healthy to feel emotions. But, if you are mad or angry
do not vent out on your partner. Disengage, take a breather and then revisit
the situation. Do not address anything when you are feeling mad. You never get
anywhere acting out on emotions. The goal for any healthy communication is to
respond not react.

The misperception of our society is that domestic violence only happens to those in low Socio-Economic households. The truth is it happens to the rich as well. I
advocated for a woman who lived in an enormous home and her spouse would always tell her" “Where would you go? I have all the money. You want to leave all this and put our kids on the streets? I give you cars, furs, getaways diamonds. You live in a  20,000 square foot house. You’ll be ostracized by the other women. She was thinking about the kids; the wrong way. She didn’t want to take all of this away from them. Little did she know is that she is raising a victim or an abuser if she stays. So, out of fear, guilt and surrender she stays.

Another goal for an abuser is to put the victim into financial isolation.  They max out credit cards to ensure they can’t spend any more money. Many women will compromise so far as to surrender themselves and all financial responsibility to their partners. These women trust their partners with their finances and maybe they can, but it is THE controlling partner that will make sure the victim is completely dependent on them.

Then you have the person who portrays to the public they are the perfect spouse wife/husband and parent. It is all different when one lives behind the doors of abuse. If we all went around with signs on our foreheads that they are abusive this world would be a much safer place. Sadly, it does not work this way. Abusive people are highly manipulative and know how s to hide their control and the partner hides right there with them. They protect their partners.

Real parents love and nurture their children. The abuser harms their children.
Sometimes, they harm them before they are born. The March of Dimes reports that battering during pregnancy is the leading cause of birth defects and
infant mortality.

Most times, they harm them after they are born. The children also become victims of domestic violence. Sometimes, children even try to protect mommy from being
hurt and in turn get hurt themselves. They are physically abused. As they get
older, some fight back and then they pay the price.

About 63 percent of young men between the ages of 11 and 20 who are serving time in prison for homicide have killed their mother’s abuser. And other young boys become young men who abuse their girlfriends and wives.

The Silent Treatment

One of the most hurtful types of abuse. These people are not strong just silent. So, if you like the strong and silent type, just be aware. This is how this character is behaves. They do not threaten, lose his tempers, but they withhold affection, love and all other emotions. They remain silent until they are ready to speak. They may not talk to you for a few days which makes a victim stir crazy. They have a little hamster that makes them wonder what they did to cause this denying of communication. They may think, “did I say something to offend him? If so, what? Why won’t you say anything?” The victim becomes confused and become so apologetic at this point.  

The silent treatment is probably the most hurtful abuser because he does not leave physical bruises or scars.

They finally begin to destroy property, belongings and hits their victim. The victim
takes full responsibility for everything and says to herself, “if I keep my mouth shut it won’t happen again.” The truth is, they will do it again and it will only get worse.

In fact, 1 in 3 women experience at least one physical assault by an intimate
partner during adulthood. The FBI estimates that a woman is beaten every 15
seconds. Personally, I think it is every time we take a breath. Because far too
often victims do not reach out and report. So, just imagine all the cases that
have never been heard. Scary and Sad. But women are not the only ones. Men are victims of domestic violence too.

Domestic violence does not discriminate. In fact, the National Institute of Justice estimates that 1.5 million women and 835,000 men are battered each year.  Yes each and every one of you – female or male- could be a victim of domestic violence. And all of you know someone who is. Domestic violence is an extraordinary problem today and we need to educate our communities on this dirty little secret that no one wants to talk about.

Domestic violence neither sees nor hears any boundaries. It does not see race, color, creed, socio-economic status or religion. It can happen to anyone who breathes the air on this planet. If more people were educated on domestic violence, shelters and batterer treatment programs maybe it wouldn’t happen as much. Domestic violence is rampant. 

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of
15 and 44 in the US – more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

Remember, victims are not going to come out and share that they are a victim until they are ready to do so. Do not judge the victim. They are living behind very abusive and tormenting doors. They are scared to leave because they have been told, “if you leave me I will find you and I will kill you.” These relationships are not rocky or passionate. They are potential murder cases waiting to happen.

In the meantime, it is our job to educate and be proactive when something does
happen. Call the police, shelters, 800-799-SAFE, the domestic violence hotline
number. Whatever you do, do something. No one ever believes that someone could kill someone they love. Who knows? All I know is that when someone hits or
hurts your friend … SPEAK UP, DON’T stay quiet.

Men who want to stop violence against women, contact A Call To Men at www.acalltomen.com, they are men educating men. You have a place in this cause too. We need you to help our women feel safe and stay safe.

Silence killed my sister and I don’t want to happened to us happen to you.

Please get educated!

I invite you to reach out to get more information, build self esteem or simply learn how to change your life. You can reach me at: 323-723-CALM or via email at: tanya@tanyabrown.net