Johnny Depp Brings His Eyeliner and His Sword for Round Four

This won’t be a very long review. What can you really say about a movie in its fourth installation of the franchise? I guess you can comment on whether or not it’s holding up well for its age. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is. Or maybe clear up any questions about whether or not the franchise has decided to take on world hunger or environmental devastation. It hasn’t.

Mostly, as I was watching Pirates, I was reminded of those friends we have who are incredibly attractive, funny and charming, but who suffer from one truly annoying characteristic. Maybe they get horribly drunk and ruin dinner parties. Maybe they always swing the conversation back around to themselves. Maybe, when ordering at a restaurant, they torture the waiter with special requests. Whatever the case may be, we come to know this about our friend and love them for their good parts, but secretly dread their more annoying or difficult parts. When the inevitable moment comes—“oh, god, they’re doing it again”—we secretly grit our teeth and wait it out, until they go back to being the friend we love being with.

This is how I feel about Pirates of the Caribean: On Stranger Tides. Most of it is really fun and easy to watch, with beautiful, funny people and gorgeous locales. But for the love of God, what is with the sword fights?! By the end of the movie, I was way past the little twinge of annoyance we feel for our perfect friends. I was ready to take a sword to whomever decided it was a good idea to have one every 10 minutes. Are there really people out there who love to watch sword fights? This is an honest question. If you’re reading this, and you went to see Pirates for the sword fighting, please email me or comment below. I thought it went out with Douglas Fairbanks, but maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm missing something and you can help me understand what it is.

There are a lot of very good things about Pirates, too. Just like that friend of yours, it’s witty, beautiful and charming. Despite a somewhat eliptical plot, the screenplay, by Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, is fast-paced and packed with enough double entrendres to fill a 1930s sex comedy.

Johnny Depp, Penelope Cruz, Geoffrey Rush and Ian McShane all give rip-roaring performances. With actors this good, having this much fun, you can't help but get swept up in the story. Also featured are carnivorous mermaids, a bare-chested priest and gluttonous British royals. There’s never a dull moment until the swords start flying. Where some of the other Pirates feel weighed down by special effects and villains, this one is light and airy, full of personality and character. I yearned for more of this and less of the requisite action.

On a separate note, I am happy to report that Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow has taken drunkenness to a whole new level. As I began to track his inebriation, I realized that he doesn't necessarily have to be drinking to get drunk. Sometimes Depp is kind of drunk, sometimes he’s so drunk that it sounds like he’s got marbles in his mouth, and sometimes he’s sober, but only on a few of these occasions does his state have any connection to a bottle of booze. Jack Sparrow is now capable of spontaneous drunkenness, people. It’s a skill that many of us wish we had, I’m sure.

Three Patches out of Five

Sadly, there was no Ladies Room action this week. Sorry.