Aliens Invade Los Angeles and the Marines Fight Back

Remember the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan, when the troops landed on the beach at Normandy and into absolute mayhem? Bullets were whizzing past, smashing into flesh, pummeling the sand and ricocheting off of machinery. Men were screaming, panic and smoke filled the air and the noise was so deafening that it was amazing anyone could think, let alone shout orders or strategize getting out of the battle alive.

I will never forget watching those first 27 minutes of film. I felt like I was in battle myself, and by the time they were over, I was crouched in my seat, shoulders up around my ears, heart pounding. My stress level was somewhere up in the panic zone. 

I suppose it’s some kind of backhanded compliment to Battle: Los Angeles that it provoked the same kind of reaction in me that those 27 minutes of Saving Private Ryan did. The problem is that Battle: Los Angeles pounds you with about 10 of those scenes, all of which play out the exact same way and are shot with jerky, handheld cameras. I needed a Xanax when I left the theater.

You probably already know that the movie is about alien troops landing in the water just off Santa Monica. They’re invading our planet, and the best guess as to why is that they need our water, though no one really knows the real reason. This is because there is never any communication with the aliens; they simply land and begin killing people, which, it turns out, is an incredibly depressing thing to watch for two hours.

The story follows Staff Sgt. Michael Nantz (Aaron Eckhart), who is called back into duty on the day he’s retiring. Nantz lost four men in Iraq during his last deployment, and the pain of that shows on his tired face. But he’s got a job to do, and he and the rest of his platoon are sent to rescue some civilians from a police station in Santa Monica. They have three hours to accomplish their mission.

Very quickly, all hell breaks loose. The platoon is attacked on all sides by alien fighters and things descend into chaos. Because of the smoke in the air, no one can see. One of the men is separated from the others. This is the first of many firefights in which the soldiers shoot wildly in the air at aliens relentlessly coming from every side. One starts wondering not long after the movie begins, how they are ever going to get out of this alive. After a couple of hours of this, you don’t even care anymore. You just want the fighting to stop.

The aliens are a tedious retread of Hollywood’s  ideas of what extraterrestrials look like: bulbous head, spindly legs, lots of gelatinous goo. Their mothership looks exactly like the one in District 9, a much more original and suspenseful movie than this one. 

I will say this about Battle: Los Angeles, though: It’s an excellent recruitment film for the Marines. I found myself admiring their dedication and honor, and wishing I’d signed up at some point. There’s no one else I’d want fighting aliens for me, even if their job in this movie looks tedious, grueling and boring.

Two Patches out of five.

Here’s what a few of my fellow audience members had to say:

“I thought the effects were pretty cool, but the story was weak.” —Andrew, Dana Point

“The aliens were stupid-looking. The battles were pretty good, though.” —Henry, Laguna Hills

“I need a cocktail.” —Laura, Laguna Hills