Aileen Brazeau, co-owner of San Clemente Villas invites you to enjoy a free lunch and a tour of the Villas.

Losing a Parent? Coping

My gerontologist friend, Karen Everett Watson, is such a loving, caring person and a particularly exemplary daughter who just adores her elderly parents who have been married for nearly 60 years! 

Imagine that---almost 60 years! Way more years than I am old, and far longer than my parents have been together thus far. But how would I feel if one of my parents died?  I hope I would be grown up and face it courageously. 

As usual, Karen offers sound approaches in such cases…. 

+++++++++ 

Today is my parents' 59th wedding anniversary. Each year, they seem to be more entwined, more in love, and more considerate of each other. 

It's hard to say which one would fare better without the other. It makes me think about the older couples who end up dying within a year. 

My best friend's parents died within five months of each other. A neighbor's folks both just passed within two weeks of each other. 

It's hard enough to think about losing one parent. I can't imagine the grief of losing both within such a short time. I do know I'll have to put aside my own grief and be very diligent about helping my surviving parent, when the time comes. 

 Experts agree that families need to watch closely when their older parent is grieving. This is not a time to just leave them alone to get over it. And be aware, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. 

Anger, denial, and even hostility are just some of the behaviors that grieving people have trouble controlling during this time. Give them a safe forum to express whatever they’re feeling. 

Don’t hang on to hurtful words but let them roll off of you. This is the time to depend on your faith, to offer grace and forgiveness. If they need to cry, don’t try to stop them. The human touch may be the only language they need during these times. They may need to talk about how the death occurred; this is often necessary for them to eventually let it go. 

Make sure you also have someone to talk to. While your grief is different from your surviving parent, it is still very real and hard to process. Having a safe ear to listen to us can really help. Even though we remember the good times, the thoughts of being without a parent can be overwhelming. 

Grieving can take a long time. Experts say it usually lasts between 18 months to 2 years. But we all know that some elders never get over the loss of a spouse. Try your best to remain open to their feelings and allow them to always share. The more you acknowledge their pain, the more comfort they will feel from you. 

This is a time to come together as a family, if at all possible. Each member of the family has important contributions and their own strengths that can help through these difficult times. Let each person know that they are needed and appreciated. Share the physical tasks that might be needed by your parent such as shopping, meals, home care, financial paperwork and transportation. This will keep all of you from experiencing caregiver burn-out. 

Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries will be tough days for your mom or dad. Remember to call or try to go see them on the especially hard days. If at all possible, encourage them to wait before making major decisions. Many times a surviving spouse will sell their home right away and regret it soon after. Refer then to a seasoned Realtor® whom you know well. Experienced Realtors® face this situation all the time. Look for one with the Seniors Real Estate Specialist (SRES®) Designation. 

Your parent may resist getting out socializing, attending worship, or even go shopping. Insist they get out of the house and begin to experience life without their partner. No, it won't be easy, but without people to talk to and things to do, your parent will suffer both physically and mentally. Isolation is the number one factor in morbidity. 

The Time to Worry and Get Help! – Be aware that clinical depression might be a problem for your parent. Watch for these problems that might develop months after the passing: Neglect of personal hygiene, thoughts of their own impending death, reclusiveness, alcohol or drug abuse, difficulty in performing tasks of daily life, feelings of hopelessness. Always take talk about suicide seriously and get them help with or without their consent. 

San Clemente Villas by the Sea, 660 Camino De Los Mares, San Clemente, CA. 92672. Phone: (949) 489-3400 | Fax: (949) 234-0081 | For more info e-mail: info@sanclementevillas.com or call Aileen Brazeau (949) 289-1534.